Tales of my life

Tales of my life

You know as time goes on you tend to reflect on your past to see where things changed for you. So as I go through this thing called life I find myself looking back at a couple of stand out events. Neither were nice but both have had a profound effect on my life. Maybe sharing them will help in understanding the way I am.

My Grandfather

Its been 10 years since Ive heard the voice of my grandfather. Yet I can still hear his voice as if her were next to me. You see Grandpa Stan had a very distinguished voice. If you heard it once youd never forget it. When one of the grandkids would start crying about whatever upset them at the time. Gramps in his big husky voice would yell out Hey whos singing that crybaby song? And while a few times it would upset us even more and make us cry louder most of the time it would shut us up and make us smile. Gramps also played the role of Santa every year, as he defiantly looked the part. The best way I could possibly describe him is true John Wayne style. It doesnt matter what movie, every time I see one it instantly reminds me of him. Quite possibly because of the fact that some of my earliest memories are sitting in his lap watching them.

Now you maybe asking yourself why loosing my grandfather had just an profound impact on my life. I mean we all loose our grand parents right? Well mine was taken from me and my entire family in very violent way. You see my grandfather was murdered.

Yes back in October of 1993 my grandfather was down state doing some ashphalt work like he always did every summer since his retirement from GM. And growing up in the area he felt pretty safe no matter where he was in Flint. So he choose to stay at a motel that well even I wouldnt stay in. Theres more to it than that though. You see my grandfather was also entertaining a female friend of his. While my grandmother stayed up north in their house. When sometime during the night. (as best as could be described to me) there was a knock on the door in which my grandfather got up to answer it. Now grandpa being the fine lover of many beers was probably out of it anyways. But as soon as he answered the door he was stabbed through the neck. And then violently stabbed through his abdomen and ripped up into his chest cavity. Now over the years I've heard several theories of what happened and who did it. Some say a transiet that was killing "johns" was in the area. Others say the mistress's son did it. I've personaly never been told if it was ever solved or not. Not being the closest grandkid (that honor would go to my cousin James) maybe they all think I just don't care enough to know. But they are wrong. If for nothing more than to put my own mind at rest I would rather know what happened than not.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking. That cheating bastard probably got what was coming. Well your wrong. And heres why. Grant you he wasnt perfect. He was defiantly human and had such flaws. But he loved my grandmother for everything she could be. He always made sure bills were paid food was on the table and that she was treated like the queen mother herself. Of course this is coming from the eyes of a grandchild. So I'm sure there were aspect of his life the grandkids were never privy too.

The thing that really puzzles me is the fact that I can still "feel" him around. Maybe I'm nuts or something I don't really know. But I know that this being his 10 year anniversery since his death his presence hasn't faded. I feel drawn to his place of death. It's like I'm being called back to the sceen of the crime to reveal something that was missed. I've never actualy been in the room where grandpa was killed. I could never muster the fortititude to walk through the door. I've always had a "keener" sence of thing so to speak. and everytime I drive by that place It sends a chill up my spine. Although lately it's been getting stronger and stronger. So just possibly one of these days I'll go see what's been calling me out at night in my dreams.

Now as to why this changed my life. Well it's the first death of a close reletive in my life that I had to deal with. and it being such a violent sensless death it made it even harder to comprehend what death was about. I mean to never hear his voice and his wisdom again. To see the impact it made on my father (his dad was his idol) and his siblings first hand was nothing short of unexpected. To never see him in a santa suit passing out presents again has left a hole in the holiday spirit for 10 years now. And the fact that my own children would never even know what kind of man he was is rather depressing at times.

I hope wherever he ended up he's pain free and happy. I know he's just sitting somewhere waiting for Grandma to show up one day. Because He's got alot of explaining to do ; )

If your the eldest of your siblings your probably going to be able to relate to this a little better than others. You see I'm the oldest of 4. And growing up as the oldest puts alot of pressure on ones self to lead by example. And when you have no one to look up to for guidence it makes it even tougher. This is where my cousin Justin comes into play. He was about two years older than me. We were extreamly close and he was in essence the closest thing to an older brother I had.

See Growing up we had what we called the 3 J's Jerome, Justin, Jake (<--me :o) ) Jerome was older than Justin so he was like Justins Older brother I guess you could say. We we're all cousins yet we we're all close. Me and Jerome never saw eye to eye on much. But we shared our moments I guess.

Now have you ever put someone on a pedastal so high that there' no way they could ever live up to expectations? I guess I did. While I followed in Justin's footsteps in many ways there were some aspects of his life that I never ventured into. But no matter what his faults were they meant nothing to me for the sheer fact that he was someone I could look to for guidence in life. I couldn't count how many times He helped me out with only saying a few simple words at times. In fact he was the only reason I went to college.

In march of 1995 He was taking his GF to work one morning. When a guy driving over 100 mph in a honda CRX broadsided him in his metro. Now logic should tell you that this isn't going to have a pretty outcome. The sad thing is he didn't die instantly. No he was tossed out of the car and landed in a ditch. It took the ambulence about 45 minutes to arrive. There were so many things that went wrong that morning it wasn't funny. He was alive and talking all the way till the ambulence arrived. Saying how badly he was hurt. The GF survived. She had a broken hip but was lucky enough to make it through. When help finally arrived they did everything wrong. According the reports I've read it seemed like this was a mere training mission for them. They did all their procedures wrong. and he was talking to them even as they loaded him into the ambulence. He died shortly after.

Here's where the story takes a twist. You see the guy driving the Honda was a local guy and well the cops all knew and liked him. So even though he broadsided my cousin doing over 100 mph. he didn't get so much as a speeding ticket. They claimed my cousin was 100% at fault. Which is impossible. If you've ever been in any sort of accident with another vehcile. there's always a split of "at-faultness". Backwoods Justice at it's best I tell ya. this is probably the first main event in my life where I truely began to hate cops and the shit they pull because they have a badge.

And of course my cousin being ruled at fault took away any opportunity to sue the asshole that killed him. In a split moment my life had changed again. only a year and half had passed since my grandfather was taken. Now my older brother type cousin and best freind was no longer going to be there for me when I needed him most. At the funeral things set in for me. That I was truely going to have to go forth in life alone. The people I looked to for words of wisdom and guidence were gone. My life was forever changed. I don;t know how long it was before I snapped out of my funk that put me in. I know I've never been the same since. I look at life in a whole new light. I try not to take anything to seriously. From one aspect of my life to another. I try my best to live the way I want to. I realise death is enevitable. and that we all will die one day. No one lives forever. And I'm not sure anyone would really want to anyways. So I gotta go through this thing called life the best way I know how. And try my best to remember the words once told to me many years ago by these people that are no longer there in my life. Maybe even teach them to my own children.

Randy- Man so I hate having to add to this section. But unfortunatly I have to. Since my little brother has now been taken from me. This one is still fresh and I'm still tryinhg to learn how to cope with the fact that he is gone for good now. He was killed in Action while serving over in Iraq.

This is really tough for me because I've always been the protector of my siblings. So in this case I seriously feel like I failed him. I know he was his own man and he chose his own way in life But there's still a place for me as an older brother. And in that regard I feel I have certian responsibilities in life to my siblings. To guide them when needed. To be there when asked and to protect them when needed. He meant the world to me. And I'll forever miss him.