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1. have you ever noticed the last hour of work ALWAYS seems to last twice as long as the rest of
the day?
2. Why are there directions on Shampoo?
3. The national deficet is essential the debt we owe ourselves
due to government spending. Why can't we all vote and call it good. And then Quit paying taxes?
4. Have you ever noticed
that when you sneeze you can't keep your eyes open?
5. If you fart in space will you just keep going?
6. Why
is there experation dates on Sour Cream?
7. Have you noticed that Bottled water cost more than most other drinks on
the shelves? Why? It's just water.
8. Have you ever wondered who the test people are for "Shark Proof" Suits. (where
do I sign up for that?)
9. You always here that saying "9 out of 10 Dentist agree" Who's that last Dentist? and what
the hell is his problem?
10. Have you ever dreamt the phone was ringing only to wake up a second before it actualy
does?
11. Did you know that there's a job out there who's sole purpose is to smell armpits all day long to see if
deordorant actualy works. And to top it off only women can do it due to some study that states women in general have a keener
sense of smell. (and I thought my job was bad)
12. Do you know that there's some poor scmuck out there that wakes
up every day knowing he's got to go in for 8 hours making paper clips all day. (I guess someone has to right?)
13.
Why do we park in driveway but drive on a parkway?
14. Do you know there's more stars in the universe than grains
of sand on a beach.
15. If the universe is constantly expanding what is it expanding into?
16. Did you know
a twinki will never mold? and has a shelf live of 99 years. (kinda makes ya think huh?)
17. Did you know that the
USA is one of the only countries in the world to look down on incest? Well at least now we all know why other countries are
stupid enough to go into war with us.
18. At the rate Bill Gates makes money if he dropped a $1000 bill it would cost
him more to turn around and pick it up than to just keep walking. (now where does he walk again?)
19. On the man on
the moon controversy. If hubble can see millions of light years away why can't we just point that thing to moon to see the
surface? That way we can all tell if the good Ol' government screwed us again.
20. Why can't the Damn rabbit have
any trix??
21. Did you know that you can actualy go to prison longer for killing a dog than you can for killing a
human?
Idiocracy at it's best.
Here's just some odd news I pick up from time to
time. (bright people I tell ya.)
The rocket scientist
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man
at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
From KENTUCKY
Two men tried
to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling
the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license
plate still attached to the bumper.
From ENGLAND
A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday,
showed at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist
did not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he did--backward!
Narcotics were found in the golf bag.
From ARIZONA
A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights
for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She
got 4-1/2 years in jail.
From TEXAS
A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
From New Jersey
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting
himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he
could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone
and dialed "911" for help ...
From VIRGINIA
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site
to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it
onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.
Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only
to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
From New Jersey
A man walked
into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Angry robber
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
High
speed police chase
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police
on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
No Nukes
The Chico,
California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
(the real question is what exactly happened to prompt this to even come about?)
Safety goggles
A company
trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles
on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man
required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. (ISO-9000 at it's best)
Gopher
Problem
Three janitors at an elementary school in Ceres, California, tried to freeze a gopher to death by spraying
it with a solvent that freezes gum and wax so it can be peeled or chipped away. Jeff Davis, 35, said he and his colleagues
had sprayed several cans of the gum remover on the gopher inside a small, poorly ventilated utility room with the doors closed
when one of them tried to light a cigarette. Sparks from the lighter ignited the solvent, causing an explosion that blew the
janitors out of the utility room, sending them and 16 pupils to the hospital. The gopher survived and was later released in
a field. Ceres Unified School District Superintendent Bruce Newlin commented that the men "used extraordinarily poor judgment."
(And I bet these guy used to bitch about how much they made too)
Odd Laws from UTAH
When a person
reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry
their cousin.
No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is
responding to an emergency call.
Odd Laws from OKLAHOMA
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed
for making ugly
faces at a dog.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to
congregate in groups of
three or more on private property.
It is illegal to have the hind legs of an farm animal in
your boots.
Odd
Laws from OHIO
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
Participating
or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Florida
Florida readers may be interested to know that unmarried women
found parachuting on Sundays are subject to arrest and imprisonment... thank goodness somebody's doing something about this
growing problem...
Odd Laws from MASSACHUSETTS
No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
Tomatoes
may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
Quakers and witches are banned.
Bullets may not be used as currency.
Odd Laws from Minnesota
It is illegal to sleep naked.
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
It is the duty of any policeman or any other officer
to kill
any cat found running at large in any street, alley or public
place in Hibbing, Minnesota.
Odd
Laws from North Carolina
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
State law mandates that all couples
staying in rooms for one
night must be kept in a room with double beds, kept a minimumof two feet apart, and making love
on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden.
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of
cloth
at all times. - Charlotte, NC
You must pay a property tax on your dog. Rocky Mount, NC
Odd Laws from MICHIGAN
Michigan takes their rats seriously. You can collect a 10 cent bounty on every rat you bring into a town office.
It
is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she is injured in your house.
Any person over the age of 12 may have
a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.
It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend
in Kalamazoo.
In Pontiac, Michigan, it is illegal to drink soda in a bag of any kind.
Michigan law prohibits chaining
an alligator to a fire hydrant.
Betcha don't see this everyday
IThe crew of a trawler that sank in
the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky". According
to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation-- except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military
cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet,
the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane...
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